Saturday, April 5, 2008

It's time!

I'm on a plane to Acapulco and wanted to post before the whirlwind begins!

First off, what am I doing??? I can hardly believe I'm really doing Bikram Teacher Training. Wtf??? Me?? And the last few weeks have been so consumed with preparing, working, studying dialogue, practicing, and trying to pay some attention to myself and the people in my life. The logistics - especially in the past week and a half - just totally took over and I've been feeling a significant distance from the spirit of this whole endeavor. With that, I wanted to post some of what I think it's about for me, and then we can compare notes at the end.

If you know me, you know I tend to be a goal-setter, 'driver,' and that I'm always focused on some project, goal or task. When I look at this training, I see components (I've bolded the gist of each one for your skim-readers):

1) Physical: In this area, I think it is fair to have some expectations. I'm not going to be specific though - my expectation is that my body will come out of this training better than when it went in. I expect to be stronger, better at some postures, and maybe weighing a little less (I mean really, did you think I would leave that out??) or else, at a minimum, lose some inches. In terms of hopes - I hope for no injuries, no illness, easy periods, and the stamina and strength of a clydesdale!

2) Emotional: Oy. Now this is a place where I am super excited and anxious all at once. I am wide open. I have no expectations, other than that of myself to be emotionally open, open, and more open to whatever comes up for me. (However, I secretly hope for some grand epiphany unlocking all of my psyche's mysteries - not expectation, I said hope, people. :)

3) Spiritual: Again, here, I expect some movement - some movement in my ability to find my own quiet, focus, peace and connection to myself, and my body. Again, nothing specific, I imagine something will happen, and going through teacher training will teach me something about myself at a spiritual level, and hopefully in a way that let's me live my life a little bit more in the way I want to.

4) Logistical: I want to never leave the room. I want to never leave the room. I want to never leave the room. Did I mention, I have a goal of NEVER LEAVING THE ROOM.

We'll see how I do; I will allow myself exceptions if something, er, inappropriate would occur if I did not (think: intestinal distress, etc.). I just don't want to leave for emotional overwhelmedness; for anxiety; or for fear. In those moments, I remind myself, "It's ALWAYS better to stay in the room." I half want to set a more hardcore goal - like, never missing a posture; like, never laying down...but I'm not here to be a hero. I'm here to practice physically (and emotionally) doing the right thing for myself in any situation, which means pushing myself as hard as I can, while knowing when enough is enough - when it is the right thing to allow myself to rest (guilt-free) in any given posture, set, series or class.

My goal is to be good at reciting my dialogue, delivering it with some level of inspiration, gusto and genuineness. I would like to not sound nervous or unsure, but rather confident and firm (by the end of it all) :)

5) Socially: There are so many different kinds of people here and I want to meet and learn something from them! Well, truth be told, it's more like some of them. Waiting to get on this plane, I met 5 people going - so different all of them! (Ok, that sentence sounded a little other words, they were all very different). None of them struck me as people that were going to resonate deeply for me in any way....

Then when I got on the plane, swapped my aisle seat for a middle to let an older couple sit together, and ended up next to a really cool woman also going to training - my age, on the bigger side, etc. - and it was nice to realize "oh, indeed, some of these people are going to be 'my people'."

I realize some connections we make in our lifetime are purely logistical - that amazing person you talk to on a plane never to encounter again, for example; and I expect to meet some people here who resonate for me in this setting in a big way that may not carry over to regular life. Additionally, I figure on meeting a person or two who will be the "lifelong friends" that everyone tells you that you will meet at training. Having lived in the same city for nearly 15 years, my little extroverted self expects to be a dry sponge being dropped into the center of a giant lake. It'll be cool to encounter people from all over the world in a semi-intimate setting, where you can actually know them a bit. The nutshell is, I hope to meet and connect with some cool people, a few of whom maybe I will keep in touch with after training.

And that all said, I want to practice not putting sooooooo much energy into others, that is, knowing them and helping them in ways that may not serve me (like, I'm beat, I know my dialogue, but you need I'll stay up to late for you. No Jenn. NO! Because the follow-up is, "then tomorrow I will resent you and be furious with myself for making a bad choice..." No one wins here! I know this, I just need to practice it!).

When it happens this way, I want to be able to say "this person is not for me; I don't need to stay here and work to 'make it so' when it's just not. Let them go, move on, take care of yourself." I've been known to just try to get someone to like me, when maybe I didn't even like them so much - I just didn't like the fact that they didn't seem to like me. Now there's a batch of energy I don't need to expend in this setting. I want to practice a level of discernment in terms of who I put energy into outside of myself.

6) Afterwards: Who can say what after all this will be like? I suppose in 9 weeks I will. But for now, I want to teach right away (Saiko has generously offered up her Monday 4:30 class for me the DAY AFTER I get home! And I said yes! Those of you in Seattle, mark your calendar: June 9th at 4:30 in Laurelhurst!!! Jenn's 1st Class). Ongoing, I want find opportunities to teach at least 3x/week, and of course, practice at least 5-6x/week. And after a few months, assuming I like it, figure out what might be next.

Lastly, I want to thank all of you who read this blog, my friends, family, fellow yogis and my teachers. I would not be embarking on this crazy, amazing endeavor without all of your encouragement, love & support!!!

1 comment:

Sara said...

Thank you Jen for blogging so greatly about this!
My name is Sara - An expat of the US living in Sweden and I've been wanting to go to training for a LOT of years now but can not make it moneywise... I've spent the last three years reading blogs about training and dreaming of it through all of You trainies words. Tough, hellish or whatnot - I'd love to one day go.
Good luck to you and care of yourself down in the hot room!
I'll keep following your adventure here on my computer from Sweden.
Remember falling out of a posture means that you're human - Getting back in means that you're a yogi/yogini.