Happy Thursday! I cannot believe we’re almost done with Week 1! Well, now, I won’t get too excited.
This morning’s class with Rajarshree was so hard for me, I don’t know why – I just felt like a big fat failure. I sometimes have flashbacks of being the fat girl in gym class, and no matter how hard I tried, I just could not do the things the gym teacher expected of me. Today as I was struggling in Balancing Stick, I totally started to cry. It was that feeling – if anyone is looking, they know I’m too weak to do it right (well, I can do it, but not this morning, very well…). I got through class, but was glad for it to be done.
As far as aliments go, I have a few. I got eaten alive by bugs one night resulting in a batch of bites on my leg; I have a blister from my flip-flops on the top of my foot, making Fixed Firm, Rabbit and other “top of the foot” postures less than fun; I developed a heat rash around my underarms – not in them, just kinda behind them, so when I lay on my hot, soaking towel, my rash is bathed in salty sweat. Awesome. Oh, and of course, there’s the never-really-starting/never-really-ending period. But you know. I’m doing great.
My pal Todd ended up at the doctor’s for a shot, and IV and R&R last night and today. Poor guy, but he looks so much better. Christian still wasn’t able to eat at lunch, but did practice today after getting some soup in and a few gallons of Gatorade. By evening he was looking much, much better!!! Still, there is so much physical stuff that goes on, and everyone is just freaking out. What’s funny is they warn us, tell us, remind us and go on and on about throwing up, diarrhea, cramping, no appetite, and more – and everyone sits there and thinks, “that won’t be me.” But it’s everyone, at some point…so far, so good for me.
I’ve got my eating down:
7 a.m. Protein powder in ½ c. water (mmmm..chocolate water!) but it works great!
11 a.m. Lunch buffet (I aim for at least 500-600 calories)
7 p.m. Protein shake (protein, 1/2/ or whole banana, 2 tbsp. peanut butter, salt, water) 350 – 400 calories
And then a few ounces of nuts throughout the day (egregious!).
And water out the wazoo! I’m taking vitamins, electrolytes and though I have no idea if it’s helping, I think it’s not hurting.
After lunch, Rajashree gave a short lecture. She said that caring is sometimes sympathy, and sometimes tough love (translation: don’t expect us to baby you). People panic, they want some attention, and if you don’t get that attention, you are left to “cry yourself down” and it’s good she says, crying is good. Then, you stand up. There is no shortcut, no medicine. You find the faith and trust in yourself. We want to live with our pain, manage it by treating the system, not the symptoms. Then she talked about how a lot of old stuff will come up, physical and mental – and to deal with it right. She said not to expect some miracle in 9 weeks; rather, accept what is and trust – that is what gives you the miracle.
Then we had posture clinic, where Bikram was pretty brutal to this super sweet girl with a buzzcut. He asked her why it was like that, she said, “Because I like it.” We all clapped, and he said, “ ‘I like it’ – that is the biggest bullshit – you piss in the wind for 100 years because you like it? You are dumbfucks. You clad for her, you are a bunch of idiots. Not your dad or mom, the only way is the right way, and it’s my way or the highway…” He went on to say, “No matter what I say, no matter how I say it, you should smile and accept it with a happy heart. I am the last person to lie to someone to make them feel better. If you’re smart enough, you should be happy when I tell you the truth – I didn’t pay you, you paid me. Make sure you not only go home with your money’s worth, but a billion monies worth.” Sooooooooooooo Bikram.
There were a couple other people he really laid into, but he oddly has a way of cleaning up those moments too and ending with the person feeling good and supported. It’s odd – and it’s what I soon expect to see in the yoga room. Break’em down, build’em up, and in the meantime, help them see what they can already do for themselves that they don’t know about yet. Though I get it, I’m not exactly excited about being the target at some point…though I’ll learn from it I know.
Afternoon class was my best yet! Some had a theory since he broke a couple people down, the rest of us were inspired by that. I’m not sure I agree…but it seemed a lot of people had strong practices; then a jump in the ocean, and then only 2 hours of posture clinic from 9 – 11 p.m. !!! Yay! In bed by midnight! ☺
Pics from today:
Me & mat-mate Jin from LA; my view from my mat this morning in Rajashree's (rough) class; me after class #6; Bikram showing us his "10-pack"; Christian does his half moon dialogue!; Christian does Half Moon :); Bikram during posture clinic; me after (fabulous) class #7; Yogis in the ocean!