In class this morning, I had a slight realization of a regression behavior that happens for me. As a little chubetta, that is, a little fat girl, the gym teacher would often force me to do certain physical things that I simple could not do. The result would be me in tears, innumerable number of boys (occasionally girls) making fun of me, and the teacher either (a) having to clean up the mess or (b) being smug and having a “that’s what you get for being fat in this world, little girl” kinda attitude. Now, this wasn’t every time all the time – I could do quite a bit, but things that made me feel defeated were things like running super fast, or running longer distances.
This morning, a really great lady from Monterey, Terri, taught class. I met her in the spa the other day and we had a great chat. She is quite lovely as a person. She taught an upbeat, energetic class. During the separate leg poses, she said to stop using ours/our neighbor’s towels for footing. If I do this, during Standing Separate Leg Stretching, Triangle, and Separate Head to Knee Stretching I’m no doubt about in a split by the end. The thought of it wells up a frustration that is bigger and faster than I can stay on top of, and often results in tears of anger, frustration and hopelessness.
I’m just not strong enough. Period. Ultimately, I want to build this “strength” they speak of, to have these inner thighs that could hold me up on a bed of green jello, affording me the opportunity to do a perfect triangle. So, I talked to her after and used the analogy that the towel, for me, is like training wheels. If I just keep falling off the bike, I’m sure to give up and figure “I can’t do that” though if I use the training wheels, I will get stronger, build confidence and eventually take them off (with glee!). So we agreed that I’d use them for one set, and do one set on the thin, slippery, evil carpet. Fair. (And, as an aside, I’m by no means the only one, I would say a good 65% of people or more do this!).
Aside – Ralph, a 40ish retired Port Authority worker from NYC was my hero this morning as he, in the middle of class, stomped out of the room to the lobby, SCREAMED into a towel (still quite audible as the door hadn’t closed all the way), then walked back to his mat with authority and focus, and continued his practice. Ah, yoga camp, the joy, the pain.
Posture clinics were great today as we did Balancing Stick and got to get a good feel for “Kill Them!” as a directive. It was so fun!! I had Diane again (yay!) and she gave me good feedback, “Excellent, Jenn” was part of it, which made me feel good. The rest were good things to keep working on. It’s hard to get in a flow when you’re struggling to remember words, connect with your students, and be dynamic! This teaching thing has a lot of moving parts, that’s for sure. Stick went so fast, we got on to Standing Separate Leg Stretching, which was unexpected and everyone was shitting themselves to be ready for the evening session. In our group, only a few people went, so tomorrow we’ll get that done and likely get on to Triangle (which I feel totally unprepared for!).
Overall though, I feel good. So many people are really taxed and stressed, tears during posture clinics, screaming in the lobby during Cobra. But again, I am so blessed and lucky thus far that my body and mind are holding up, I’m not feeling particularly stressed, a bit tired but not exhausted. Here at bootcamp, that is sayin’ sumthin’. There are a lot of colds now going around, so I’ve been diligent with vitamins and busted out the hand sanitzer today to hopefully not be one of the unlucky ones. Oh, and lastly, the PMS tuck made it’s delivery – on my white towel during class yesterday! Fortunately, it was a small package so no one noticed but me. They said it would sneak up on you, and though I felt PMS’y, I typically get to enjoy that discomfort for a good week. Ah well, it’s just one more thing to factor in, balance and deal with, and that is what this place is all about!
Photos for Today: Class #36, Morning Post-Yoga Carnage (Todd/Jennifer); Balancing Stick in Posture Clinic; Group Hug for a struggling peer at Posture Clinic (this is not common, it was the end of a 3-hour session... ;); Class #37; Demo of Standing Separate Leg Stretching Posture (again: WOW!)