Bonus Post: A little movie

Joel went up to say goodbye and someone asked him to do the Hare Krishna chant. It started out, he got up and danced a little. It was so fun to see him so happy and animated - then he invited people on the stage, and well, let's just say the group had a bit of energy! Excuse my poor cinematography skills exhibited here, and please don't think we're crazy...though that may be hard. :) You might especially enjoy seeing Joel & Craig doe-see-doe at the end! (I did).

Day 47: Intense Day!

This morning’s 8:30 class was really quiet, focused…and good for me. I felt like a little rag doll in a dryer - I acquiesced to the (really good) teacher completely, and really let him run the show for the 85 (only!!!) minutes. I just felt very much at peace with being there. Which is a hard feeling to muster up around here – there isn’t a lot of peace around doing yoga right now. But it was just nice and quiet and pensive; and I had a good class physically too. I’ve taken to drinking a Pedialyte each class until my runs clear up, mmm, good. Actually, they aren’t that bad, and again, I forsaked (?) my orange jug, just took my coolish water in my Camel again. It definitely isn’t the water that is appealing I’m realizing – its’ the coldness of it. And that’s what I miss most is that coldness, because I’m not really that interested or excited (it turns out) in chugging water, but I am rather keen on lowering my temperature. I find I’m “rooting” more for ice/coldness than for water. Interesting! But it's going ok :)

On to posture clinic, whoa. Intensity! The other group we were with were all having rough days. Not in a bitchy or cranky way, just in a broken-down sort of way - rather they were just all feeling really exhausted, emotionally and physically. I rocked out my Rabbit, and still need to work on not sounding rehearsed (but, er, it is rehearsed at the moment) and then we were on to Separate Head to Knee with Stretching Pose! Can you believe that?! Shocking. Anyhow, I was completely ill-prepared, with my bout of not feeling so great, I opted for sleep last night over studying and paid for it. But, first, I have to tell you about this one proctor we had – she is from Zurich. She made one (large-chested girl) do very fast, fully expressed, jumping jacks for the whole posture to get some energy into it (it's a longer one, too). It was so interesting to watch. She started, then you could see her get tired, then angry, then started to cry, but she kept going. As soon as it was done, she had to do it again right away. And in the end, she was happy for the experience – it did make her a little more authoritative, firmer, and louder (she was “too sweet”).

SO then it was my turn. I said I had been sick and just wasn’t really prepared. For me, she said I just was still really stuck and needed to get more energy, so she had me SCREAM the whole posture. And scream I did. I even yelled at the top of my lungs, “Lock the mother f*cking knee.” After, I felt much better. And then I had to do the posture again right away, and it was actually better. And now that I have shown that side of myself, I’m wondering how well I will do the last posture. We’ll see. But I definitely feel less inhibited!

The intensity continued at the 5 p.m. Bikram-taught yoga class. Now, for me, the class was pretty great. I had a really nice practice, again, I missed my ice, but it’s getting easier and the water is less and less appealing. Anyhow, it was a hot one, and the intensity in the room is hard to capture in words. He was hard on us, but again, since I was having a good class, it didn’t feel egregious. Still, I haven’t seen so many people have to get up and leave the room in weeks – Christian estimated 20; I saw around 10. But what was interesting was how bad off the people who left were. They were in a catatonic yoga trance, or else unable to walk (in at least 5 cases, had to be nearly carried out). I don’t know what it was. It was just heavy energy in there. And, it was wicked hot - in fact, rumor had it they turned off the air circulation. I wonder, because we haven't seen yoga carnage like that for many, many weeks. But Bikram was just himself; and at the end, he played another track from his CD (oy) and then said this, “That was the best class you have done yet. I worked you so hard! And you were fantastic. You worked so hard. Good job!” And you know, that is just so cool – because he doesn’t have to say anything. But those kinds of things at the end make me come back for more. (Along with the sigh-in sheet, that makes me come back too. ☺)

Lecture brought us a surprise. Bikram talked for only 30 minutes about the importance of non-discrimination. It was short and sweet, and then he wanted us to watch a movie. A current, normal Indian film (Joodha Akbar) that basically dealt with the topic of religious discrimination. It was a lovely film, albeit long (ended at 1:15 a.m.), still, I was wise and had earplugs which made it a totally reasonable volume. I actually enjoyed it!
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Classes #71 & #72; Bikram with a footlong/movie food; and a shot from Joodha Akbar, which though loud, it was a pretty good film!

Day 46: What is God?

I'm going to go backwards today. The day ended with a really nice lecture from Bikram on "What is God?" He was in a great mood, really compassionate and loving today. He just got back from his friend Bishu's funeral in India. Sadly, I had to spend a bit of time in the, ahem, toilet, due to having the runs, but I was there for the bulk of his talk. His main point was this: Don't ever hurt another soul. And, if you do, you will pay the consequences with interest. He told stories of a woman who stole $25K from him that was intended to build his first yoga school in 1973; within two months, both her only child and her husband died before their times. He said he pleaded with God, "that's enough! two lives for $25K??? that's enough!" - but it was her karma. Bikram's theme was the point that God is in you, and your soul - when you lie, cheat, steal or hurt another (or, even plan to whether or not you carry it out) you hurt your own soul. It knows.

This tied into a lot of the forgiveness I've worked on while I've been here. Which, btw, has been progressing nicely, thank you very much...but it makes me look back at my part in these transgressions. And, in some cases, I can see - I screwed up to the tune of let's say $25, and I paid for it with $2,500. It makes me realize that in many ways, the people involved in these things are irrelevant - it's more about our experience of paying up, if you will, for our own wrongs. And from that, hopefully we (I) learn not to do that again, period. Whatever it is - whatever wrongs one does - you pay 100x or 1000x a price, and that lesson is burned in your mind. So, it was a really nice talk, and for me, it lifted another layer of forgiveness as well as adding a layer of self-responsibility (which I had in a sense, but not with this kind of awareness or clarity).

Bikram also taught a rockin', up-beat, happy 5 p.m. class. I was up front but evaded any notice. It was also my first class done with my butt cheeks clenched the whole time (again, the runs) - now that is fun! Everyone should try it! Talk about good times - imagine the joy I felt in Wind-Removing pose! ;) Really, I did fine. I would just be so pissed if I had to leave the room - at this point when I've come this far - ouch. But, perhaps that is my path. I'm just letting it be. In this case, I did not.

Oh! And, I reqlinquished my Tower of Shame, the orange water jug. Now, I respect Mary's advice on water, but doing this two times/day with the runs, now is not the time for no water class (I did do one earlier in training though! I know I can!). But, I just brought my Camel with 32 oz. of water, which I drank at appropriate times and finished at the end of class in the savasana. My neighbor did give me a handful of ice at the end which I added to the bottle. Note to self, Jenn: Don't use two whole limes in such a small container. By the end, it tasted like warm lime juice. Yums. Anyhow, great class!

The afternoon was posture clinic, we're well into Rabbit but since I wasn't feeling it, I just waited and will do it tomorrow. No biggie. I can't believe we'll be on Separate Leg with Stretching Pose tomorrow! It's really coming around. Crazy.

Morning class was good for a morning class. I can't complain but was glad when it was over (and, glad that I didn't have any issues). I still fear/get anxious about morning classes because they are harder for me than afternoon classes. In the morning during half moon, my arms are sooooo heavy, and at evening class, I almost feel like I don't have arms they are so light! It is what it is. Tomorrow is Thursday already! For as slow as Week 6 felt, Week 7 is flying by!

Pix: Classes #69 & 70!!!!!!!!; Check out that t-shirt, referenced in a comment on my blog, I sought out Jessica from Texas who was wearing it (how convenient!); Bikram.

Bonus Post: Check out this comment on Water

Hello all. I'm honored that the infamous Mary Jarvis, a longtime Bikram teacher from San Francisco, is a reader of my blog! I've heard that she doesn't let any teachers drink water at all in her classes. She wrote me a great comment and I thought it was a good one to share here. I am off to class in an hour, and plan to really work to internalize her comments over the next few classes. I don't know if I'll ever get to a water-free practice, but for me, of her three reasons below, typically it's #2 and now I'm aware that it's #3 that are getting me. Read on, and thanks Mary for taking the time to write. I'll let the Dutch boys know you said hello (they are too sweet!).

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Hi Jenn
I have really enjoyed reading your teacher training blogs.Congrats on almost making it through teacher training.Life is about to happen for you.The Yoga community that has been created because of Bikram is most precious to me.All of us have friends from ALL over the world because of this yoga that we practice and teach.
Now about the water....I have been practicing with Bikram for 24 years...I drink water after class but I have never drank water in class.I do not allow my teachers to drink water in class when they practice OR when they teach.
People drink water for 3 reasons:
1)They are bored...they have no concentration,discipline or focus.
2)It is emotional...they think they are going to die or something like that!
3)Most important....They Do Not Know How To Breathe Correctly and In Great Relaxation.
Everybody fights me on this and I really do not care..It is not to make class hard.I never think a teacher should do that. Watch when people drink and drink and drink...they get weaker and weaker and more loopy in class.You put yourself in digestion the moment the water hits your stomach....takes a LOT of energy.
If I raced you to get oxygen and hydrogen and nitrogen into our bodies...you with water...me with air ...I have already won! I have already absorbed it into my body with one inhale before you ever picked up your water bottle!
Oxygen carries Prana,Chi,Life Force...it is all we need.
If you ever came to my school in San Francisco,you would see that the only people who have water bottles in the room are students visiting from other schools or first time people that brought in water because they read some where that they should.Nobody is dying...you just sit down for a moment on your knees and slow your breathing down if you are dizzy....A lot of the time dizzy happens not because of water or heat,but maybe crappy food or drink!
Hold still in the posture breathing normal(or less)...hold still NOT in the posture breathing normal(or less)...That is our yoga..that is all we need to do in class..Hand towels,water breaks,such a shame it exists in our yoga....it never used to when I first started.It has nothing to do with the yoga.
Tell the Dutch students I love them and cannot wait to see them in San Francisco after training.
Good for you Jenn...I think you have had a GREAT training and it is only going to get better for you when you land at your school to start teaching.Thank you for taking the time to share your training with us.
All thet best!
Mary E Jarvis,Global Yoga
San Francisco

Day 45: Am I falling apart?

Oy. Today was a mix in many ways. First, the 8 a.m. class can only be described as pure, unadulterated HELL. I haven't had a class that miserable - not just me, but it seemed everyone around me - in a long time. It was so bloody hot, and we had another teacher who seemed unable to count to 10 and had us doing Pranayama deep breathing for - count'em - 16 full minutes. By the end of that I was soaked to the bone and my shoulders were on fire. They hurt so much I had to lower my arms in Awkward, and I don't think I've done that here since perhaps the first day or two. By the middle of Half Moon, I was wondering how on God's green earth I was going to finish this class. So, I set a goal to stay on my feet, not drink too much, and do every posture. Now, they were in some cases uber-lame renditions of the posture, but I did get it done. Miserable. Miserable. Miserable.

It happens though, and it is what it is. Thankfully it's not that often, as it seems to be this way when I'm in Row 1-3, where there is little air. Though everyone seemed to have a shit practice, so perhaps it was more than that. Ok, enough on that, as we learn here, there is no point at all in trying to understand these things!

When we left class this morning - IT WAS RAINING! We haven't had a non-sunny day since we arrived. Crazy! Everyone was delighted by the rain until we put together that the resort isn't really cut out for it. There were deep puddles on the walkways, but then they did lay down little runners on the marble floor through the lobby so we didn't slip. They also had umbrellas they were handing out for waiting in the lunch line. Anyhow, it was a cool departure, though now I'm terrified Jill will come and it will rain that whole week - but she assured me, "honey, I've got books....and naps....and more naps...." high-5 for my low-maintenance girlfriend!

Posture clinic in the afternoon was fine - I did well on my Half-Tortoise but did not do the Camel I'd hoped. Still it was fine. Then it was time for 5 p.m. class.
Some people who have a shit class in the morning scare themselves about the 5 p.m. class. yIt's hard after a rough class to recover their energy, and easy to feel stuck in a cycle or are anxious about it becoming a cycle. On the whole, I'm an afternoon girl, so often, I'm excited for another go at it in the afternoon! I love afternoon class at home, and find here that those are by far my better classes. In a way, going twice a day is brilliant! You never have to go very long after a "bad" class before you have the chance for a good one - and luckily, though it was ultra-steamy - I was around good, energetic peeps and had a great class. I limited my water but still struggled - found a couple very infantile-feeling moments where I literally wanted to cry because I wanted cold water so bad - but I promised myself and I stuck to it. It's weird how 'young' that place felt to me/feels to me. It's a metaphor for "you can't always get what you want" and well, who likes that concept? Non-attachment. Non-attachment. Non-attachment. Non-attachment. Working on it!

We had a little talk before evening posture clinic with master teacher/Hare Krishna Joel, from Philly. He spoke for a while about being determined and using your mind to decide what you want/don't want. He told a few stories relating to the Gita, and answered questions about postures.

In other news, I have a rash. And the runs. And let me tell you, if you wait until the middle of Week 7 to have your ailments, no one cares. No one sympathizes and no one is very supportive. They all just say, "oh, I had that rash 4 times already..." or "it's not that bad" or "did you try (xyz)???" Well, I'm here to say whenever you run into physical difficulties here, it sucks, but you do just carry on! I'm sure I'll be fine, but I'm annoyed by these afflictions if nothing else. How does one practice non-attachment to one's diarrhea, I ask??? ;)

pix: Rainy day, Class #67 (hot!); Class #68; Joel.

Day 44: Monday...

Really, that is about all there is to say. Monday. Nothing riveting, nothing earth-shattering. Just a Monday. But I couldn't just post that, now could I?

Morning class was taught by a spunky, pregnant woman named Jessica from NYC. She was great - a lot of the visiting teachers just, well, blend together at this point. There are a couple that stood out as horrible, and a couple that have been noteworthy. Most are just good, solid, Bikram teachers. And that's fine. Afternoon class was another New Yorker, from Brooklyn, Claudia. She was good too. Both of them were tough and bossy, but in that oh-so-good-Bikram way. No complaints.

Today I was in Rows 9-12, the back of the room. I actually took the last row (12, for students, but there are 14 total) because there is a little air there. I found myself drinking a lot of water but not until late in the floor series. I have again been working on water intake. Zeb was next to me and gave me a little "psst!" once and I put it down. I talked to him afterwards and he suggested this: Choose when you will drink before class, up to 5 times but no more.

I thought this to be a great idea. I took it a step further in my mind: Make it like it's part of the posture, that is to say, you have no choice. You wouldn't bust out a Crow or something in a Bikram class, right? You wouldn't do a posture that didn't belong, right? So you wouldn't drink water unless it was part of the class. So I'm going to give it a whirl tomorrow. What's funny is I do have plenty of classes where I drink at the appropriate times:

• Party Time (after Eagle, and yes, "Party Time" is part of the dialogue!)
• Once either after Balancing Stick or before Triangle (Bikram offers this one up a lot)
• At the Savasana
• "Aqua-sana" (that's what they call it here in Mexico! I find this hilarious every time...) - after spine strengthening as you settle into Fixed Firm
• And sometimes as we get into final stretching, after Rabbit.

That's 5, and that's acceptable and very often what I do. But I so profoundly disappoint myself when I drink too much water - particularly when I'm having a good class! What is that about!?!? It is a similar feeling to when I used to overeat - I'd feel totally full, but I'd be enjoying the food so much I'd just keep going and going. I feel like this with the water sometimes, and I realize it's a bigger metaphor for life. We all seek comfort, at times of distress of course - but I think for me, I do it when I'm feeling good too and that is (what Craig would call) a pattern, one that I serve vs. the pattern serving me. Again, it's not every class, but whenever I'm feeling down, sad, vulnerable, in pain physically or emotionally I realize I reach for my virtual jug of icy lime water goodness.

Obviously it's a bigger life topic that bears some pondering...but for now, I'm going to work on the iconic angle by trying to question the water and fight it when it's inappropriate. It's not always this way (have I said that enough??) but it reminds me in a way of dieting in the past - I'd do great for days and then blow it, feel terrible about myself, get back on the wagon, do great for days and then blow it, feel terrible...etc. It's a familiar feeling and not a good feeling. And no water is not an option either (i.e., nor was starving myself in the past) - nothing extreme really ever pans out in life, or so I've found. So, I'm going for balance, moderation, and mostly finding a pattern that serves me vs. one that I'm serving! Learning more here everyday....

Special to all you readers coming to Fall 2008 training: I will tell you one secret if you promise me on thing. START LEARNING YOUR DIALOGUE NOW. Now. I'm not kidding. Do not wait. Do one posture a week. Once you get a few into it, it will be much easier! You will still have to re-learn it here and be part of the crazy minutiae that is group dynamic, but you will be confident, get better feedback, be able to help ('start teaching') others, and frankly, stress less and sleep more. Ok, now that I know you've promised me, I will tell you this: Rows 6 & 7. They are the glorious rows. For the first class especially, get there early, go to Row 7, plop down directly underneath one of the air vents in the ceiling. Just do it. The first class is so rough, it's such a different environment. The vents save. Row 12 isn't bad either. Today I'm in rows 1-3, i.e., suffocation central. Oy.
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Pix: Classes #65 & #66; posture clinic, oh my! Joshua's half-tortoise, and the batch of proctors, including Craig who slinked in room unnoticed by yours truly.

Day 43: Sweet Sunday!

Jenn goes to Sunday yoga...I don't know why exactly, but its such a nice class, on my terms. It's like a regular old class at home, and because they are having teacher recertification this weekend, they moved our class to 9 a.m. which is a way better time than the usual 11 a.m. offering (which is like right in the middle of the day). So, another bonus class for me! Though I only slept 5 hours due to the learn-Camel marathon in the lobby until 2 a.m., still, I had good energy in class and throughout today.

This weekend was so much about studying, hanging out with some different people and just listening to my iPod by the pool. I found myself restless too. I'm not sure why - I don't suppose I really need to know why. Perhaps it's the fact that tomorrow starts Week 7, and people are starting to talk about anxiety over this experience ending. "What will it be like once we all go home?" "It's so beautiful here, I don't want to leave..." "I guess we can't train forever, huh?" True. And I think it takes a while to get in the routine, and most people are in it now. Mine has changed a little week over week, but I got in a groove pretty early. And those who know me, know I like my groove(s). So yeah, perhaps some of my angst and antsiness this weekend were about "Week 7" feeling like, "wow, only two more Mondays after tomorrow, only two more Saturdays..." etc.

This weekend, I met cool chick who is here and has lost 115 pounds doing Bikram and dieting. She was super cool, had her before pictures with her (I should've done that, Jill even suggested it!) and looks amazing. She said, since being here, she's lost 25 pounds. Jenn turned green with jealously in that moment. Oy. 25??? 25??? And I'm smack dab the same? She said she's been eating about 1500 calories. Well, I've been at around 1750-2000, give or take, which is more, but should have yielded some result. A little bit about my metabolism, folks :( And while it bummed me out ("I just don't got to the buffet much and eat in my room." she said, which I thought, "Man, you are a better woman than me.") I realize that I didn't really come here to lose weight (it was a hope!) but rather to do yoga, to grow, and to become a fantastic yoga teacher (one day, eventually, in the future ;). So I let the green drain from my face, and was just happy for her, and happy for me too. My body has changed leaps and bounds, without question, and people tell me almost daily how much skinnier I look - so even though at times I can't see it, others do, so it's happening.

This past week was a good one. The group seems to be in good spirits. Overall, a lot of people have left - I've heard numbers like 20-30 since the inception, but I know of at least 1 last week. I can't imagine getting this far and having to go, but honestly, I can see where that might be one's path...this is rough, and breaking points come at different places for different people. One class recently, I stopped to see if a girl whom I'd talked to a few times was ok, she was sobbing in the fetal position on her mat. I knelt down, asked, and she knocked her water bottle out of the way and lunged up at me with open arms, sobbing on my shoulder for a good bit. Another girl came to help out too, and when it was over, the girl who had been upset said, "Well, that was expected."

That's the thing here, you just have to really realize that you don't know what you're going to get - any yoga class, any day, any week - and as with about everything I experience here, it's a metaphor for life. The practice of non-attachment to ideas, things, and expectations can really set you free. I think back to the nights Bikram was keeping us up until 2 or 4 a.m., and those who were super attached to their sleep really, really suffered. They just freaked out and it was because they really wanted, needed, and felt entitled to their sleep. As someone who isn't super attached to sleep (I always seem to get by...), I was like "Well, this sucks, but what can I do." While perhaps I suffered slightly, it was nothing compared to some people. And to look at it this way and think "In that situation, who won?" Well, Bikram did with a lot of people - he stole their peace. They let him. Not a criticism of people who enjoy sleep, I have friends who enjoy sleep. :) But rather to say, we all have these things we have to have, think we need, believe we deserve/are entitled to, and though I struggle with the notion of balance when it comes to this idea (it is fair, it seems to expect to sleep every night, right?) it also seems letting go really does produce a lightness, a freedom and a peace that may not be possible when one is gripping for dear life onto these things.

Pix: Me, above, after my bonus class (#67 for me personally, I have done 2 extras); and Marshall, a pal, with his poolside coconut!