Day 6: TGIF!

Our first Friday of teacher training! Christian and I turned in laundry this morning - so excited to have cheap laundry overnight service. Teachers from past trainings reading this I'm sure are soooo jealous. We really, really have it good here.

I wanted to post a couple stories/thoughts about the yoga room. First, the staff, Craig said, kind of act like hockey goalies; as people try to leave the room, they just redirect them in some way back to the side or corner or something/anything to help them make a good decision about leaving or not. Usually, he said, it goes like this, "You ok??" He asks; the student says, "Yeah..." and then realizes they ARE ok, and head back to their mat. Sometimes, he said, they don't even stop moving and just do a 180 back to their mat. I took a glance at one point in a rough class, and it indeed looked like little hockey pucks getting whacked back into play - it was kinda funny. I've not yet played the role of hockey puck here, and hopefully won't, but who knows...I sure have wanted to!

Another thing. The towels. The towels are so nice; Christian and I were discussing the niceness of the practice room towels (this is what is now exciting to us, in this world - not the newest hot restaurant, or a great new album....just....towels). Anyhow, we get 2, which I now use - in succession of one another so as to cover my whole mat. After standing, I flip the top one over for that fresh feeling during the savasana mid-class. I lay down onto my two, hot, soaked, somewhat fluffy white towels and imagine myself as this little thing, wrapped up like a baby in a big version of hot, fresh airplane towels. (ok, maybe not that fresh, really). But there is something about feeling swaddled, maybe it's womb-like, but somehow it really can regress me emotionally - and not always in a bad way - in an almost safe, warm, comfy way. It doesn't happen like this every time, but when I'm struggling in the floor series, I try to reach for this feeling rather than attaching to the feeling of overt suffocation that I'm actually experiencing. :)

Today was great - Rajashree taught her last class with us until week 6 and said her goodbyes. We are all sad at her departure, as she offers a calm (but firm-handed) balance to Bikram's classes. And she really cares about us, and has a lovely way of just lighting up a room. Class in the morning was challenging but I got through and didn't rest or miss postures. Lunch was great - though, Christian and Todd both continue to suffer. I think Christian will soon waste away, and Todd has dropped 10 pounds since Monday. So weight-loss surgery girl has this massive (to me) plate of lunch; they each had their little bowls of soup, and tried to choke down an apple. Poor things - the men are just really faced with this abdominal stuff that the women just don't seem to be. So many men are not able to eat, puking, and just suffering.

The thing is they keep talking about this exact thing - about your body detoxing, your body reacting, etc. And further, they keep talking about not attaching, not trying to figure out "why??" and worse - "how do I fix it?" Christian and I have talked about this a good bit - we all are/will be presented with some serious challenges here, and just accepting some of them is part of the learning, part of our training. I say that with only suffering from a small heat rash, but I get the concept for sure. He is doing great with all this, as is Todd - and it's hard to be on the outside too, watching them not be able to practice in the way they normally would, not be able to eat, puking (well, fortunately I'm not actually watching that), and just feeling that utter confusion of "wtf is happening to me? and WHY?" and working so hard to roll with it, not attach, and allow it to just be. Yesterday, Rajashree said to us, "Acceptance gives you the miracle" - and that is something I think most people here are working to internalize and apply consistently to their lives, me (oh-sooooo) included.

Today before our short posture clinic, Luke, one of the staff, talked about Savasana. For those non-yogi's, Savasana is "dead body pose" - you lay flat on your back in a structured resting posture. If you do it right, it's actually kind of hard - it requires a good bit of focus and attention. At the end of class, however, I'm finding here that I want to bolt from the room. Usually they encourage you to stay at least 5 minutes; but my God, after that kind of sweating and heat, I just find I want to escape. Luke talked about using this approach to Savasana at the end: "I do this. When I no longer want to leave, I can leave. I've detached from it, I've accepted it, and now I can let it go." Genius. I tried after my p.m. (really good) class, but didn't make it all that long. I'll aim for more next time!

But I have to say, the consistency of the overall messages here is really amazing, and appreciated. I like that the staff is all in agreement - lock step - in how they deal with us, coach us, advise us and push us. In the face of all of this, that consistency is oddly comforting and helpful.

After yoga class, we were set free tonight! We all almost don't know what to do with that kind of free time. Tomorrow we have an 8 a.m. practice, and then we are free until Monday!!! I'll still be posting, now that I'll have some time to just sit and absorb this week, I am bound to have something to say about it :)

Oh, and did you get that I'm snapping a photo of myself after each class!? I thought it'd be fun, wasn't my plan, but perhaps we'll see some change in me as we go on. No matter how miserable I am, or happy, I'll try to do it before I leave the grass outside the yoga room.

Today's Pix:
Me after class #8 (see the towels! and, the people dying in the background?); The official attendance policy; my BIG lunch; the "Soup Boys" Christian & Todd; and Bikram, chatting in the lobby after posture clinic; Me, Christian & Todd after Class #9!

Day 5: Another Day at Yoga College!

Happy Thursday! I cannot believe we’re almost done with Week 1! Well, now, I won’t get too excited.

This morning’s class with Rajarshree was so hard for me, I don’t know why – I just felt like a big fat failure. I sometimes have flashbacks of being the fat girl in gym class, and no matter how hard I tried, I just could not do the things the gym teacher expected of me. Today as I was struggling in Balancing Stick, I totally started to cry. It was that feeling – if anyone is looking, they know I’m too weak to do it right (well, I can do it, but not this morning, very well…). I got through class, but was glad for it to be done.

As far as aliments go, I have a few. I got eaten alive by bugs one night resulting in a batch of bites on my leg; I have a blister from my flip-flops on the top of my foot, making Fixed Firm, Rabbit and other “top of the foot” postures less than fun; I developed a heat rash around my underarms – not in them, just kinda behind them, so when I lay on my hot, soaking towel, my rash is bathed in salty sweat. Awesome. Oh, and of course, there’s the never-really-starting/never-really-ending period. But you know. I’m doing great.

My pal Todd ended up at the doctor’s for a shot, and IV and R&R last night and today. Poor guy, but he looks so much better. Christian still wasn’t able to eat at lunch, but did practice today after getting some soup in and a few gallons of Gatorade. By evening he was looking much, much better!!! Still, there is so much physical stuff that goes on, and everyone is just freaking out. What’s funny is they warn us, tell us, remind us and go on and on about throwing up, diarrhea, cramping, no appetite, and more – and everyone sits there and thinks, “that won’t be me.” But it’s everyone, at some point…so far, so good for me.

I’ve got my eating down:
7 a.m. Protein powder in ½ c. water (mmmm..chocolate water!) but it works great!
11 a.m. Lunch buffet (I aim for at least 500-600 calories)
7 p.m. Protein shake (protein, 1/2/ or whole banana, 2 tbsp. peanut butter, salt, water) 350 – 400 calories
And then a few ounces of nuts throughout the day (egregious!).

And water out the wazoo! I’m taking vitamins, electrolytes and though I have no idea if it’s helping, I think it’s not hurting.

After lunch, Rajashree gave a short lecture. She said that caring is sometimes sympathy, and sometimes tough love (translation: don’t expect us to baby you). People panic, they want some attention, and if you don’t get that attention, you are left to “cry yourself down” and it’s good she says, crying is good. Then, you stand up. There is no shortcut, no medicine. You find the faith and trust in yourself. We want to live with our pain, manage it by treating the system, not the symptoms. Then she talked about how a lot of old stuff will come up, physical and mental – and to deal with it right. She said not to expect some miracle in 9 weeks; rather, accept what is and trust – that is what gives you the miracle.

Then we had posture clinic, where Bikram was pretty brutal to this super sweet girl with a buzzcut. He asked her why it was like that, she said, “Because I like it.” We all clapped, and he said, “ ‘I like it’ – that is the biggest bullshit – you piss in the wind for 100 years because you like it? You are dumbfucks. You clad for her, you are a bunch of idiots. Not your dad or mom, the only way is the right way, and it’s my way or the highway…” He went on to say, “No matter what I say, no matter how I say it, you should smile and accept it with a happy heart. I am the last person to lie to someone to make them feel better. If you’re smart enough, you should be happy when I tell you the truth – I didn’t pay you, you paid me. Make sure you not only go home with your money’s worth, but a billion monies worth.” Sooooooooooooo Bikram.

There were a couple other people he really laid into, but he oddly has a way of cleaning up those moments too and ending with the person feeling good and supported. It’s odd – and it’s what I soon expect to see in the yoga room. Break’em down, build’em up, and in the meantime, help them see what they can already do for themselves that they don’t know about yet. Though I get it, I’m not exactly excited about being the target at some point…though I’ll learn from it I know.

Afternoon class was my best yet! Some had a theory since he broke a couple people down, the rest of us were inspired by that. I’m not sure I agree…but it seemed a lot of people had strong practices; then a jump in the ocean, and then only 2 hours of posture clinic from 9 – 11 p.m. !!! Yay! In bed by midnight! ☺


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Pics from today:
Me & mat-mate Jin from LA; my view from my mat this morning in Rajashree's (rough) class; me after class #6; Bikram showing us his "10-pack"; Christian does his half moon dialogue!; Christian does Half Moon :); Bikram during posture clinic; me after (fabulous) class #7; Yogis in the ocean!

Day 4: Half Moon Dialogue!

This morning started with our 8:30 class with Rajashree again. She is really beyond great. And, I’m happy to report – I had a seemingly normal, good (if not great, in comparison…) practice! I struggled a little, and took it easy, until Triangle – but then totally got a bolt of lightning strength and breezed through the rest of the class putting forth appropriate effort. At the end, she talked about fear and letting go. As I was about to roll up my mat, the girl next to me just started sobbing while still in her savasana. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it for a long time; after a bit, two others came and rubbed her shoulders and her feet.

The people here are so supportive, and so totally on your side. It’s amazing how we all already know how to support each other, hold each other up, and how to just let someone have their experience. (She later said, “That was so nice, you were just there with me but you still just let me cry…”). She said when Rajashree talked about fear, a big batch of fears surfaced for her and it was overwhelming – fear about training, fear about facing some childhood stuff, fear in general. This training is so intense, borderline insane, but you can see now how no one will escape unchanged. And I think that’s a lot of what we all paid for, and hope for!

After class, I took a quick dip in the pool with Christian, and headed to lunch – where my lap-band disagreed with my food choices for the first time. Ah well, at least I’m not ‘really’ puking like so many people here. The guys in particular seem to be suffering a lot - loads of abdominal cramping, puking, and general illness (Todd said he’s still holding the record for the fullest bucket…). Poor Christian even – made it through the morning class, but couldn’t keep food down all day. He was prohibited from afternoon practice even, which sucked (it did, however, elicit a few cool photos of practice for all of you to see!). By evening though, he was looking and acting more like himself (that is to say, bright-eyed and giving me shit). So, hopefully tomorrow he will be ‘back.’ We’re all working so hard to eat enough, stay hydrated and get enough nutrients. Sometimes though, even with that, your body has other plans…

At 12:30 Posture Clinic I gave my Half Moon dialogue. I said I was from Seattle, and went to Kevin & Kathy's studio, whereupon Bikram talked about a little story regarding Kevin, giving me some time to acclimate to the stage. It went as well as I could’ve hoped! Christian snapped a few shots for me of it (below). My feedback was great, he said, “ Look at her confidence, she’s like, ‘I don’t give a shit what any of you think; you paid me, I’m doing my job. Good job!.” It was funny and kind, and he told the two who went before me to get more of that vibe going (they both did great, just nerves really). Then I jumped in line to do the posture 5 times.

There was a crazy French lady (I use crazy in the kindest regard) who went and was HILARIOUS. She is older, and stern as all hell! She made an error and turned to the audience to say, “I’m not sorry.” Bikram said, “I am afraid of you. I cannot give you any comments.” She’s been practicing for 35 years! At the break, she asked me, “Did you understand all my words?” – Um, hell yeah lady – we are all terrified of you!

Bikram made an Aussie girl cry by forcing her to sing in an effort to help her realize the range of her voice (projection wise, really). She just got really upset, and said, “I don’t know what you want from me.” He kindly helped her through it though, she regrouped and did the dialogue just fine.

Attendance started today. We now have to sign in 5 minutes or sooner before our start, or else have to do an extra 11 a.m. weekend class. Now that sounds fun, eh?!?!?! I will be on time. By the way they present it, I’m guessing I will resent it at some point…

Tonight, at our 9 p.m. – 12:00 a.m. posture clinic (yes, I’m dying to go to bed, but needed to wind down anyhow), Bikram said, “Whatever you go thorugh, it’s totally normal. Huge imbalance here, this is good what is happening to you. You have to experience it. No matter how you feel in class, blackout, nauseous, dizzy, it was 110% normal. Take it easy this week, relax, NO PANIC. This is the best chance of your entire life, this is a turning point. You don’t want to give up on this chance.”

I must have missed jotting down all the funny quotes today, but there will be more to come. My afternoon practice was HARD but ok. I was in the front row, and I actually like the second/third better. It was hotter today – you can tell they are slowly jacking it up…

More soon! Here are pix:
Me after class #4, a good one!; Posture clinic & me doing dialogue, gesticulating (of course); A row of folks, the french lady is on the left - she looks scary, no??; ck's shots from the afternoon class; pix from a dip in the ocean after p.m. class and one of me and my friend Luke after class #5, and him in Pyramid (not a Bikram posture, but how'bout that??); finally, Bikram's talk before our late posture clinic.

Day 3: Rajashree's Class, Bikram Class #2

The posts will now get a lot shorter. They may end up being "I lived today." But, I have a few things...

We started with an 8:30 a.m. class with Bikram's wife, Rajashree. She was so kind and nice and taught a 90-minute class (oh, I forgot the other two challenges yesterday in that horrible class .... my contact dried up and I finally just took it out after Eagle; and the class was 40 minutes longer than usual - 2 hours, 10 minutes). I didn't miss a posture, and practiced next to Christian in a different "neighborhood."

Next up was lunch. I consciously filled my plate with about 500 calories. A lot for me - but we're getting "eat eat eat. hydrate hydrate hydrate." constantly. We then had posture clinic and more people did Half Moon's dialogue.

At 5 p.m., class with Bikram again - this time, 90 minutes, and sooooo many people did so much better. Including me - didn't miss a posture!! I practiced next to fellow-Lebowski lover Todd, who had a super rough morning class (puking) and needed a little good energy, back in my neighborhood from yesterday. I only got 2 corrections which were both simple.

After dinner - more posture clinic! It's like Groundhog Day here - posture clinic, lecture, class, posture clinic, lecture class.

Funny things today....

• Bikram sent 3 girls out of the room to change in the middle of class because they wore pants. "No one wears pants in my class."
• In posture clinic, Bikram called Japan to talk to a teacher of a student who had just successfully delivered her dialogue! It was pretty funny.
• Another Thai woman, who was incredibly cute and delivered dialogue like a drill sargent (Bikram says, "You like a little green chile. You gonna have kids? You will kill them. Do not teach them yoga."...it was hilarious). But he had her do the dialogue in Thai; she started with "feet together" which sounds a lot like "Cow Shit" in Thai (Conrad?) I'm guessing it's more like cowl-jit or something all Thai like that. Anyhow, the poor girl's nickname is now "cow shit" but at 11:00 at night, still at clinic, it added good comic relief!

And a couple quotes from Bikram:

• "You have nothing to lose. You had nothing to begin with."
• "Don't worry, I'm not going to crucify you - well, I am - but by the end of training, not on the 2nd day."
• He also referenced "juicy" again - "you know, like Kentucky Fried Chicken"...so, since I was told to get my Juicy Ass down, does that make my ass like KFC??? ;)
  

We learned today that in addition to the start an hour earlier than was in the brochure :) we also learned that we'll be ending an hour later than in the brochure. So, it's 8:30 a.m. - 11:30 p.m. Monday - Friday, plus 8 a.m. on Saturday. There will also be an optional 11 a.m. on Saturday and Sunday...classes in which you likely will not find me!

Here are a few pix! Me after class #1 (for a true idea of how sweaty I was, enlarge it! - note the hazy look, that was the camera fogging up from the lobby after class); outside of the yoga room; posture clinic (again); Bikram; and Christian and I after class #2 today!

Day 2: First Class, Meeting Bikram and More!

Oh dear God. Let me start with that which is freshest in my mind: My first class at teacher training. Let me say it again. OH-DEAR-GOD. I really, really had a rough, borderline terrible, first class. Now then, I didn't set myself up all that swiftly, orienting close to the podium so I would get yelled at (and did), in the front of the room where apparently the ventilation is "less than" and well, out of my control of course - I got my period a mere hour before class. Awesome.

I don't know what it was, but that class was one of the most brutal classes ever (save for on time with Saiko where I essentially took a "hot nap" and the infamous "Sunday night Kevin class). But mostly, it was closest to my first Bikram class ever. You know, the one where I wore a *long sleeve shirt* and was still quite fat and cried 3 times. That one - but oh wait - in that one, I didn't miss a posture. The same cannot be said for today...let's just say I lost count of how many postures I had to go to my knees for ("go to your knees if you're dizzy; lay down if you're about to die - in which case a staffer will come to ask what is going on; leave the room if you're going to vomit (and yes, people did leave, and did vomit today). Fortunately, no pukin' for me, just a goodly bit of time spent on my knees, and a less-than-inspired floor series.

But I lived.

And Bikram did call me out - Miss Pink - I got corrected, and in the kindest way, called fat - which I was hoping would happen so I could just be with it and let it go. "Bring your juicy butt down Miss Pink..." but also "I just corrected you, what are you doing" (in my head "I'm slipping on this goddamn new f'ing carpet that is like being on wheels, that's what I'm doing). I didn't react. I just let it go - figured it wasn't personal, he wants me to be better, to help me, and that is just his way. And it was ok - though, I'm not sure I'll be plunking down right in front of him again - but oddly, I feel almost compelled to. Christian did amazing, didn't miss a posture, but was blown away by it too - we just sat after (inside) and then sat some more outside, and then jumped in the ocean! At that point, both of us were stunned how quickly we forgot the misery that was ours just 15 minutes before - maybe something like how people describe childbirth or something - but the "yoga bliss" as I call it was incredible! Now if I can just hang on to that feeling in class tomorrow...both times.

And the Yoga Room - holy crap. It took 3 weeks to build - it has 16 rows, is spanking brand new and it felt like we were in some Yoga Olympic Training facility. There are plastic-covered couches, cubbies and even "bar tables" and stools outside the room. We get two nice, fluffy towels on our way in, dropping off on our way out. Simple. It's really a stunning room, and for a torture chamber, it's at least nice to look at.

Today was not even long compared to what we're in for, but I'm beat! I still want to capture the day because honestly, this may be one of my last long posts - we'll see. I wanted to recap the day though:

- 10 a.m: A few rules from Craig.

• "Let us be your mirror. Like in Balancing Stick, you can't see yourself. You need someone to - no matter how gently - point out your mistakes and flaws. Let us do that for you."
• Respect the environment.
• Cover-up, wear flip-flops.
• Outside food should be brought in 'under cover' in a backpack, etc.
• This is a sort of quickening; just jump in the current and go - the more you hold on to where you are and fight it, the less change you'll experience. Let go. Let go. Let go.
• There will be 8 posture clinic rooms, starting in week 3, we will be divided up. Until then, it'll be the large 300ish person group. Then, we'll have to rotate our mats in the room by row; for the first two weeks, we can go wherever we like.

We met Bikram. He talked a long time, he was happy and in a good mood for sure. He said a million things, too much to capture here - those who have heard him speak, read about him, or listened to stories from other Bikram teachers have a good sense of his deal. I guess one of the more meaningful things he said for me was "You serve yourself for others, you realize God. All human beings are God, and I worship them. You are the luckiest to have the chance to serve yourself with this training and this yoga." He said, "Let's make a deal - I am trying to save your life, so you can go and share it with the 6.5 billion other people in this world." He's dramatic, but engaging to say the least.

There were countless analogies, stories and nuggets of wisdom. Things like:

• You can't start a cadillac with a toyota key.
• Truth is the most bitter thing in the world, except swallowing and digesting that truth, that is worse.
• Happy means nothing if you don't know how to use it.
• Don't overdo it in the first week - no money returned, it's all spent already. :)

He ended with, "I will make you see all the good things in the world God has to offer to you, and how to share it with everyone else. I give you a lot of credit already - this is the best gamble of your life!"

We then met Kareem Abdul Jabbar - a practitioner of Bikram yoga! He talked about his experience with the yoga and how it helped his NBA game. Then we had lunch buffet, which was huge and tasty (and , and then back to class to hear the story of a man named Frank, who was in a horrible motorcycle accident and nearly lost a leg; now he is back to playing b-ball. Very inspiring!

Then onto our first posture clinic, where people did the first posture, in front of Bikram, decked out in glittery duds, who gave excellent feedback. People did really well, too, and at this point, I'm ready and going to try to go tomorrow. We'll see. Bikram's feedback is so much about your personality, not the dialogue as much as "your ego is getting in they way" or "you're too sweet. you need to be a bitch to teach this yoga!" or "can you teach at 5 p.m. for me? you make me very happy." Etcetera.

Day 2: Photos, April 7

Bikram in his many outfits, Kareem; the AMAZING yoga room; and me - before and after my time in the torture chamber. I'm happy to be alive in those "after" shots, and the smile is indeed, wholly fabricated for the camera! Christian and I, outside, able to breathe, and being super proud of ourselves!!!

Thanks for all the great comments and feedback on the blog, btw - I don't have time to respond to everyone specifically, but keep'em coming!

Eat Meat

Last night, Craig told this little story - in hilarious fashion - I wanted to share. It went something like this...

"I was vegan for about 8 months when I came to training. By Thursday of Week 1, I had a 67-year-old woman trainee helping me hold myself up and said, "Shelly, I ought to be helping you like this! I'm 30!" ... Somehow my veganism came up, and she suggested I eat some meat.

"So I went to Whole Foods and bought the grass-fed, free-range, home-schooled, they-played-chopin-as-you-sacrificed-yourself-for-little-ole-me hunk of beef. I went home, put it on the grill for 5 seconds on each side, squatted down and ate it with my bare hands, drippings all the way down my elbow, until it was gone.

"The next day, I went and got a whole rotisserie chicken, and promptly inhaled the whole thing....then, I was constipated for 4 days. The morale of the story: If you've been off meat for a while, consider some fiber as you go back to it."
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A little bit about Craig. Training starts in 50 minutes! Today will no doubt be more of a drill Sargent approach, versus last night's "we don't want to terrify you....just yet, anyhow."